There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It's rum buckets o'clock
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
