I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
