My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I understand Curling. That high.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
