Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
