my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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