Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize