just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
