My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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