He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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