Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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