The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
