Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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