Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
