It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
