So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
