i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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