Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
