Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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