he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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