Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
