I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
