i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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