you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
