My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
