I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Randomize
