My friends, they love my intelligence
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
