My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
