I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Non-Jews are for practice
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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