Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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