so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
