yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
If I die, sorry about rent.
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