When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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