Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
