o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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