dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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