why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize