You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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