I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
not ubering you a puppy
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