Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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