I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
