so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
