have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
