I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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