It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
