Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
