the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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