Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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