tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
