hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize