Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
