Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Dignity is for republicans.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
