you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
