cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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